I am learning that motherhood means sacrifice. As mothers we sacrifice so much. In a way we sacrifice our bodies to create the tiny bodies and lives for our children. We give up our flat tummies and unmarked sides. We go through so much pain to get these little angels here! In my case I have a scar to prove it. I could go on about the challenge I have faced in dealing with my changed body and self image but I am trying to focus on the outcome of that sacrifice- Ashton! Every time I look at my tummy that hasn't flattened I think of the life I created that changed my own for the better. That wasn't really a sacrifice- it was a blessing.
Since the delivery I have learned that mothers would give up anything for their children- sleep, time, food, etc. I have come to understand how true that is because my son was born with a condition called dysphasia. Unfortunately he was not diagnosed with the disorder until he was about 3 1/2 months old. The first few months of life were so challenging for our baby. He struggled nursing for the first few weeks and we could not figure out why. tt was one of the hardest things to handle. He finally started nursing but would only eat for about 5 minutes and then pull off screaming like he was in pain. I tried nursing in different position, I cut things out of my diet thinking it was the food upsetting his tummy, we tried medication for thrush thinking maybe that was the problem, we tried everything! I was so discouraged and very worried about my baby. The one thing that makes most babies feel happy and comforted made my baby scream and cry. I felt like I was hurting him every time I tried to feed him.
After many many doctor visits with the pediatrician I finally got in to see an occupational therapist who watched Ashton eat and immediately she too knew that something was very wrong. A few days later we were at Primary Children's Hospital doing a swallow study with the ENT. They placed a camera down his little nose and down to his throat so we could see what was going on when he ate. They dyed the milk blue so we could see it as it went down and I watched as the blue milk pooled at his vocal cords choking him as he tried to eat. Much of what he ate was most likely redirected to his lungs and airway causing him to aspirate. As happy as I was to get answers I was devastated that he had struggled for so long with a condition so dangerous. We were given a lot of information on the disorder and how to treat it. We began thickening his milk with a product called simply thick. Within less than 24 hours we noticed a difference in Ashton. He ate with few problems- and he ate longer than 5 minutes! He didn't pull away screaming. In fact he ate 6 ounces at one time and I couldn't believe it! I was so happy that my baby was so content!
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Ashton is not a fan of the swallow studies
Because all of his milk had to be thickened I could no longer nurse my baby. That was the hard part! I had tried for months to get him to nurse and now I had to stop. I wanted that bond that comes from nursing but I knew the risks that were involved and so I began pumping all his milk. After a few weeks of exclusively pumping I started to worry about my milk supply. It is harder to produce enough milk when you are pumping and I was noticing that I wasn't making enough anymore. So we started trying different formulas to supplement. We tried Enfamil, Similac, Nutramagin, Neocate, etc. He broke out in eczema to all of them. Even the hypoallergenic formulas for children with allergies wouldn't work. I had to continue to pump and remove foods from my diet to improve his eczema.
We went to an allergist for testing and found out that he is allergic to eggs and peanuts and later found out that he is lactose intolerant. Because he was only 3 1/2 months when we did the testing the doctors were worried that the test would not be completely accurate so I cut out pretty much everything from my diet. I no longer ate eggs, peanuts, dairy, gluten or soy. Because of his allergies and the issues with formula I had no choice but to pump for Ashton.
This was our first allergy test and He did not like all the pokes on the back
At his second allergy test he didn't even cry! So tough!
I did a lot of research about exclusive pumping and how I could increase my supply. I started pumping every 2-3hours all day so my body would know that we needed more! I drank lots and lots of water and made sure that I was eating plenty of calories- well as much as I could with my limited diet. I had lots of strategies that I used: when I began pumping I tried to think of Ashton to help me let down, I tried to stay relaxed as I pump and not watch how much I was actually getting, etc. But the thing that made the most difference prayer! I know that God played a huge roll in keeping my supply where it needed to be. I have prayed everyday that I would be able to make enough for my little angel because I knew I had no other choice. God heard and answered my prayers!
I have now pumped everyday since that doctors appointment. That is a lot of time with my medela pump in style and boy have I pumped in style! I pumped every 3 hours for 20 minutes so I had a little down time. I have been pretty creative with that time that I have. I check facebook so I keep up with everyones lives! I look at instragram and post pictures of the cutest baby on earth! I pin creative ideas that I want to do but probably never will. I look up egg free, dairy free, peanut free meals that even my husband might like. I fold laundry. I put on make up. I pay bills. I read scriptures. I read Jurassic Park, The Lost World, Divergent, Insurgent, and Allegiant. I have pumped at home, at my parents house, my in-laws, work, in my car, in my dads car- you name it I've pumped there!
Ashton even likes to play with all his frozen milk so it serves many purposes!
I got all these bottles so I could just pump and then freeze them easier.
Pumping was challenging with a high needs baby. He cried a lot and there was nothing I could do about it. I always tried to pump while he was sleeping but it wasn't always easy to coordinate pumping and sleep! Pumping got even harder when he became mobile! I would try everything to keep him contained and entertained! I took lots of cute pictures of him while I pumped!
One way to keep him from getting away!
Since Ashton's first birthday we have introduced whole milk and almond milk and he is doing great on both. Because of that I have cut back the pumping. I went to every 4 hours, then only 3 times a day to 2 times a day and down to once a day. It was so exciting to only pump at night after the baby went to sleep so I didn't have to lock him in a corner or pray he didn't fall down the stairs as I was attached to the machine!o
Today is my last day pumping and I can't tell you how excited I am! I would truly do it the rest of my life for Ashton if I had to but I'm pretty glad that's not required of me! I will finally get to eat what I want and not have to plan my day around the pump! To celebrate Derek and I are going to Cheesecake Factory and I will eat a plate full of pasta and a giant piece of delicious cheesecake! I am grateful for the time I spent at my pump and for what this sacrifice has taught me. At times I hated it and wanted "my" time. I did sacrifice a lot of time to pump but it was such a blessing. This was one of the greatest investments I have ever made!
