This Little Bump Will Call Me Mommy!!

We are so excited to announce to the world that we are expecting a baby boy!! Baby Steiner will join our family sometime around February 25! It is quite a story that I have debated telling but, I’ve decided that it’s something that I don’t want to ever forget. This baby is a miracle and a blessing in our lives. The story is special!

Derek and I celebrated our first anniversary in December 2011. At that time we decided that we would start trying to have a baby. At the same time his company decided to send him to Minnesota for 3 months- bad baby timing!! He would be gone for 3 weeks, back for 1, gone for 3 weeks, back for 1, gone for 3 weeks, back for 1, etc. It was a hard 3 months to have him gone and it really put a damper on getting pregnant. We just tried to survive the time apart. I not only missed having him around but all I could think about was having a baby. Finally he got home and was able to stay home for a few months. It was so nice to have him home! I never realized how handy he was until he was gone. I am so blessed to have a husband that can do anything and everything around the house!

A few months later I started to feel sick and really tired. I waited as long as I could but I took the test and got the 2 lines!! We were so excited to start our family. We hadn’t told anyone about our big news but I was dying to tell my mom!! We had decided to tell our moms on Mother’s Day and I was thrilled. I had started tracking how big it was getting and at 4 weeks it was the size of a poppy seed! So Derek started calling our sweet baby poppy seed and I loved it. He kissed my belly at night and I was loving the pregnancy. Well 3 days before Mothers day I was working and started bleeding. I immediately began to worry and we called the doctor. They got me in the next day and did an ultra sound. I laid on the little table and cried as they told me our baby didn’t have a heartbeat. It was about 7 weeks along when we found out and I was more than devastated. Derek was so good to me and tried to be super sweet. But I don’t think he knew what to do with his mess of a wife. The doctor said she would give me through the weekend to pass the baby and if I couldn’t I would have a D&C on Monday. When we got home Derek told me to call my mom. It is amazing how even when you’re an adult and have hard times you still want your mommy! And I knew I wouldn’t be a mommy as soon as I had hoped.

I ended up doing the D&C the day after Mothers Day and began the recovery process. My body recovered but my heart hurt for a really long time. We only told close friends and family about our little trial- I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t know what they would say. So we just suffered together. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to go through. I read a blog the other day about miscarriages and it said it perfectly- when you lose a baby before it is born you are still attached, still love it, and still consider it yours. However, there is no funeral, no flowers, no mourning. You suffer in silence and hope it heals quickly. Luckily I did have amazing friends and family that helped us get through it.

Well my first question after my surgery was when can we start trying again? I wanted a family so bad and just wanted to get on with the process. I was told to wait a few months to let my body recover. I was told to wait 4-6 weeks to start my cycle and then be careful for a few months. We were going to follow the council to make sure that we didn’t lose another one.

About 5-6 weeks passed and I was getting frustrated that I hadn’t started yet- I wanted to get on with it!! At this same time I started to feel sick and tired. I called my mom and told her that I felt pregnant and she said it wasn’t really possible- I hadn’t started my cycle and all that technical stuff! I started to worry because after I had lost the baby I decided to get a lot of stuff done- I had an MRI on my knee and I had my wisdom teeth out so I had taken a ton of medicine. If I was pregnant I had done a lot of things that you shouldn’t do so I began to worry A LOT! I got a pregnancy test just to put my mind at ease. I knew that there was no way I could be pregnant but this would just help me stop worrying. Well it came back positive and I freaked out! I called Derek and my mom all worried. I called the doctor and the nurse said it was probably just hormones from the surgery and miscarriage but they would do blood work to make sure. A few LONG days later I got the call that I WAS really pregnant!! She told me that the MRI wouldn’t hurt the baby and it was too little to be affected by all the medicine. I went in several times for ultra sounds to check the baby. When we heard a strong heart beat they said my risk of another miscarriage went way down! I just can’t stop worrying about every pain or ache or sickness. They say when you lose your first it is hard to ever believe you’ll keep any. But we are 23 weeks and doing great!

I have been sick but try my hardest not to complain- I am just so grateful to have this one so I don’t want to ever seem ungrateful. I had an appointment at 13 weeks but was measuring 15 so it’s a big kid! I don’t think I could be more excited about being a mom. I love knowing that my baby is growing inside of me and in a few months I get to keep it forever! I am full of so many emotions. After my mission I watched all of my friends get married, starting their families and that is all I wanted. When I lost my first I was devastated but now I appreciate this baby so much. I can now understand the heartache that a woman goes through when she loses a baby. I am grateful for that.

I thank my Father in Heaven for allowing me to be a mom not just to this baby but the first poppy seed too. I love being pregnant! Derek sent me a message the other day and said, “I love you both!” It was the sweetest thing ever and got me so excited. I love it when he kisses my belly or tells me to eat well for the baby. He is going to be such a great daddy!

I really debated whether or not to talk about the miscarriage but I can look at it now as a blessing. I cried many tears for that little baby but Derek and I grew so much closer, I learned a lot about God’s timing, and my relationship with my Father in Heaven was strengthened. I am grateful to know that because we chose to get married in the temple we get to keep our children forever. I am going to be a mommy!

We took the baby to New York this summer!