Sacrifice

"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make." Gordon B. Hinckley

I am learning that motherhood means sacrifice. As mothers we sacrifice so much. In a way we sacrifice our bodies to create the tiny bodies and lives for our children. We give up our flat tummies and unmarked sides. We go through so much pain to get these little angels here! In my case I have a scar to prove it. I could go on about the challenge I have faced in dealing with my changed body and self image but I am trying to focus on the outcome of that sacrifice- Ashton! Every time I look at my tummy that hasn't flattened I think of the life I created that changed my own for the better. That wasn't really a sacrifice- it was a blessing.

Since the delivery I have learned that mothers would give up anything for their children- sleep, time, food, etc. I have come to understand how true that is because my son was born with a condition called dysphasia. Unfortunately he was not diagnosed with the disorder until he was about 3 1/2 months old. The first few months of life were so challenging for our baby. He struggled nursing for the first few weeks and we could not figure out why. tt was one of the hardest things to handle. He finally started nursing but would only eat for about 5 minutes and then pull off screaming like he was in pain. I tried nursing in different position, I cut things out of my diet thinking it was the food upsetting his tummy, we tried medication for thrush thinking maybe that was the problem, we tried everything! I was so discouraged and very worried about my baby. The one thing that makes most babies feel happy and comforted made my baby scream and cry. I felt like I was hurting him every time I tried to feed him. 

After many many doctor visits with the pediatrician I finally got in to see an occupational therapist who watched Ashton eat and immediately she too knew that something was very wrong. A few days later we were at Primary Children's Hospital doing a swallow study with the ENT. They placed a camera down his little nose and down to his throat so we could see what was going on when he ate. They dyed the milk blue so we could see it as it went down and I watched as the blue milk pooled at his vocal cords choking him as he tried to eat. Much of what he ate was most likely redirected to his lungs and airway causing him to aspirate. As happy as I was to get answers I was devastated that he had struggled for so long with a condition so dangerous. We were given a lot of information on the disorder and how to treat it. We began thickening his milk with a product called simply thick. Within less than 24 hours we noticed a difference in Ashton. He ate with few problems- and he ate longer than 5 minutes! He didn't pull away screaming. In fact he ate 6 ounces at one time and I couldn't believe it! I was so happy that my baby was so content!

Ashton is not a fan of the swallow studies

Because all of his milk had to be thickened I could no longer nurse my baby. That was the hard part! I had tried for months to get him to nurse and now I had to stop. I wanted that bond that comes from nursing but I knew the risks that were involved and so I began pumping all his milk. After a few weeks of exclusively pumping I started to worry about my milk supply. It is harder to produce enough milk when you are pumping and I was noticing that I wasn't making enough anymore. So we started trying different formulas to supplement. We tried Enfamil, Similac, Nutramagin, Neocate, etc. He broke out in eczema to all of them. Even the hypoallergenic formulas for children with allergies wouldn't work. I had to continue to pump and remove foods from my diet to improve his eczema.

We went to an allergist for testing and found out that he is allergic to eggs and peanuts and later found out that he is lactose intolerant. Because he was only 3 1/2 months when we did the testing the doctors were worried that the test would not be completely accurate so I cut out pretty much everything from my diet. I no longer ate eggs, peanuts, dairy, gluten or soy. Because of his allergies and the issues with formula I had no choice but to pump for Ashton.

 This was our first allergy test and He did not like all the pokes on the back

 At his second allergy test he didn't even cry! So tough!

I did a lot of research about exclusive pumping and how I could increase my supply. I started pumping every 2-3hours all day so my body would know that we needed more! I drank lots and lots of water and made sure that I was eating plenty of calories- well as much as I could with my limited diet. I had lots of strategies that I used: when I began pumping I tried to think of Ashton to help me let down, I tried to stay relaxed as I pump and not watch how much I was actually getting, etc. But the thing that made the most difference   prayer! I know that God played a huge roll in keeping my supply where it needed to be. I have prayed everyday that I would be able to make enough for my little angel because I knew I had no other choice. God heard and answered my prayers!

I have now pumped everyday since that doctors appointment. That is a lot of time with my medela pump in style and boy have I pumped in style! I pumped every 3 hours for 20 minutes so I had a little down time. I have been pretty creative with that time that I have. I check facebook so I keep up with everyones lives! I look at instragram and post pictures of the cutest baby on earth! I pin creative ideas that I want to do but probably never will. I look up egg free, dairy free, peanut free meals that even my husband might like. I fold laundry. I put on make up. I pay bills. I read scriptures. I read Jurassic Park, The Lost World, Divergent, Insurgent, and Allegiant. I have pumped at home, at my parents house, my in-laws, work, in my car, in my dads car- you name it I've pumped there!

 

Ashton even likes to play with all his frozen milk so it serves many purposes!

 

I got all these bottles so I could just pump and then freeze them easier. 

Pumping was challenging with a high needs baby. He cried a lot and there was nothing I could do about it. I always tried to pump while he was sleeping but it wasn't always easy to coordinate pumping and sleep! Pumping got even harder when he became mobile! I would try everything to keep him contained and entertained! I took lots of cute pictures of him while I pumped!

 

One way to keep him from getting away! 

Since Ashton's first birthday we have introduced whole milk and almond milk and he is doing great on both. Because of that I have cut back the pumping. I went to every 4 hours, then only 3 times a day to 2 times a day and down to once a day. It was so exciting to only pump at night after the baby went to sleep so I didn't have to lock him in a corner or pray he didn't fall down the stairs as I was attached to the machine!o

Today is my last day pumping and I can't tell you how excited I am! I would truly do it the rest of my life for Ashton if I had to but I'm pretty glad that's not required of me! I will finally get to eat what I want and not have to plan my day around the pump! To celebrate Derek and I are going to Cheesecake Factory and I will eat a plate full of pasta and a giant piece of delicious cheesecake! I am grateful for the time I spent at my pump and for what this sacrifice has taught me. At times I hated it and wanted "my" time. I did sacrifice a lot of time to pump but it was such a blessing. This was one of the greatest investments I have ever made!

Ashton at one year!!

We cannot believe that our little angel baby is one!! Time went way too fast! We had quite the year for sure- full of ups and downs, challenges and so many great memories. It's amazing how one little boy can change so many lives. Derek and I often talk about what he has done for us! He has brought us so much joy and happiness. We don't know what life was like without him-it must have been boring for sure! We don't know what we talked about before Ashton joined our family either. At my parents house we never even turn the TV on any more because we all just watch the adorable baby crawling around! Honestly the first few months of his life were so hard and challenging that I didn't know how we would make it to a year but we did and life is so good! Everyday gets better and better!

The word that would describe Aston at one year is BUSY! He is the busiest baby I know! He never stops moving and going and he exhausts me but I love it! He has never once in his whole year of life just fallen asleep playing or laying on the floor. He only sleeps in his crib and only when he is forced to! When he is awake he's moving and going strong! He is into EVERYTHING! He loves unrolling the toilet paper in bathrooms, he opens drawers and pulls out every sandwich baggie we have (snack size, sandwich, gallon, quart, etc!) He is obsessed with our pantry and he finds the soda cans and rolls them all over the kitchen floor. he threw one once and it broke open and started straying everywhere. He looked around like "how did I do that?" and "I wanna try that again!" He crawls up and down the stairs so fast I don't even realize he's doing it! He hides in the curtains, under the table and in his closet. He goes into rooms and shuts the door, locking himself in and I hear him calling me to get him out! Luckily for me he isn't walking yet so I can usually keep up with him!

At one Ashton:
- plays with toys only when I am cleaning them up!
- the toys that he does enjoy are balls and cars
- has 6 teeth and is getting his 4 one year old molars
- Gives high five and smiles every time!
- claps when we sing "If You're Happy and You Know It"
- loves to play catch with his tennis balls
- dances almost every time he hears music
- says mama and dada
- screeches and talks a lot 
- likes to eat cucumbers, grapes, goldfish, and shrimp

We always joke that Ashton is our little monster so we had a monster birthday party and it was a blast. My mom took these cute monster pictures for his invitations and they turned out so cute!

I was so excited to give him his first cake! He is allergic to eggs and is lactose intolerant so I had a lady make me a cake with no eggs or dairy and decorate it all cute like a monster. We put it in front of him and he wouldn't even touch it!! As soon as the frosting got on his hands he started to wipe it off and cry. He hated it on his hands or fingers. It was an adorable cake and the other kids loved it so I guess its ok :)

We had fun visiting with family, had good food and a fun photo booth! My mom is amazing and set up an adorable photo booth that the kids loved! The props were a hit and the pictures are priceless. I am so grateful for our family who not only came to celebrate with Ashton but that have been there through this challenging but great first year!

 

 Happy birthday Ashton!